WARNING: Honesty post. Contains raw emotion. May not be for the meek and mild of heart or those that like to think daisies drift up from the grass when you walk. You totally may not understand where I’m coming from – and you know what…..that’s totally ok. This is about me. You’ve been warned.
As my ‘who am I’ page reflects – I want to do more than just buy big pieces of fabric and cut them into little pieces of fabric and sew them back together again (love doing it – it’s safe – I’m good at it – but I want to do more). Sometimes I think I want to be an art quilter but something holds me back (not to mention, I don’t really know what an ‘art quilter’ is – not really). What holds me back? Fear? Lack of creativity? Lack of direction? Not good enough? Imposter syndrome? Laziness? Who knows.
Other times I guess I just simply want to color outside the lines – do things in an unusual way – simply play and see what happens. I’m not looking to do it for accolades or recognition or fame or fortune……I just want to do it because I feel like there is something inside me to be expressed but I don’t know how to get it out.
I ran across a blog the other day that really pulled my strings – or pushed my buttons – all in a good (sorta) way. This gal’s words, her quotes, her work, her blog list….it all just made me want to create. It made me WANT to be able to bust out and create something interesting and unusual. It made me WISH that I could do some amazing work like hers (only mine, if you get my drift).
It (the blog) prompted this email to a friend:
I need to find a way to break out of my (self-imposed) creative shell…..I need to throw caution and fear to the wind and find a way to fly creatively! I love quilting but I need MORE…..shit I wish I could figure out what that MORE was……is it fabric manipulation or does it have nothing to do with fabric and/or quilting? I just don’t know…..I yearn for something new and different and yet I keep getting pulled back, drawn back to quilting. I love quilting. I love fabric but when I look at this woman’s work…..it makes my heart sing in a way that quilting doesn’t. Quilting is like an old sweatshirt…comfortable and warm and cozy and easy to wear. I think I want something different though….maybe a sequined top – or a sleek yoga tank – or maybe to just go naked and let the chacha’s dance in the wind. :o) ok…..you’d think I’d been drinking, right? I just want to shout to the world I NEED MORE! I NEED TO DO MORE! I don’t want to leave this world with the best still in me.
A lady (60ish maybe?) in my yoga class just did a juried pottery exhibition – went back to art school 2 years ago. Had never done pottery up until a few years back. She so inspires me…..I can’t wait to learn more about her. I checked into art school but I really don’t think I want to go to college again. And, I don’t want to commute 2 1/2 hours one way to classes. And groups….I just don’t know that I’m up for another group (although I love the groups I currently go to)….probably art groups become like all groups …..I don’t know…..I just don’t know…..sometimes I think that I’m sewing as fast as I can to get rid of all my fabric so that I am FORCED to try something new. who the hell knows….. It would certainly be a lot easier to just keep sewing pieces of fabric together…
I have absolutely no idea where I’m going in this frame of mind. And, I’m actually not 100% sure why I’m sharing it with THE WORLD because I know there are those out there that think these sorts of things shouldn’t be talked about. I mean really…..I can hear people saying to me “get up, make the bed, have a cup of coffee, do your chores, if you have some time, do something quietly, watch TV and go to bed. Don’t be so precious, Sybil. Don’t over-think everything. You have too much time on your hands.” (Or, is that my critic talking?)
Well you know what? I suspect that there are others out there that have these same mental gyrations – maybe not every day, week, month or year – but I bet most creative people, people who spend time following other creative people’s blogs, periodically come to a cross road where we either continue with the way things have always been or we throw caution to the wind and try something new. We take a risk.
I used to parrot and live by the saying “leap and the net will appear”. I’ve become safe in my creative exploration. It’s time for me to leap and know that the net WILL appear! …..fingers crossed……..